Oscar's Holiday

Oscar the dog came and stayed with me for a couple of days last week and he was kind enough to send me a few extracts from his memoirs regarding the trip (see below).


Monday PM

Man, daytime napping is great. I love napping so much that when I’m asleep I’ve actually started dreaming about napping. Mmmm, might just roll over to get some circulation back in this side; ach 10 more minutes won’t hurt. Aw crap, that sounds like a car coming up the drive. Must get up and defend the territory, must get up…just 5 more minutes? No, up! Up! Who is it? No way, it’s Telfer! Partytime! Must go get him a present, ehm, slipper, slipper! Nah, too clichéd. Towel? Hmmm, not perfect. I know! Knickers! They’ll go down a treat! Crap, can’t find any. Towel will have to do. Must get back to door.

Hey Telfer man! How’s it going?! What’s going down?! How’s it going?! You like this towel eh? Whoopsie, mind your feet on that bit of floor, no idea of how that got there; Allison must have been watering the plants before she left. What’s that? We’re going to Glasgow in the car?! To stay there for 2 nights?! Man alive!

(Later) Monday PM

We get to Telfer’s place. Wow dude, this is one sweet pad. You mind if I? Mmmm, this is a good couch, I could do some quality napping here…what’s that? Walkies? Holy to the moly let’s go! Going walkies, must get out first must get out first. Hold on, wait, that’s a cupboard door. Shut up. It’ll take me few days to get my bearings here.

We wander down Woodlands Rd and I take in the sights. Man the city is a busy place. I thought the housing estate across the road that I take solo visits to on a semi-regular basis was the epitome of bustling hubbub but it’s got nothing on this place. I make friends with a group of ladies that we walk past; Telfer seems inordinately pleased with me for this and claps me lots. Encouraged, I try and repeat the trick with a man who walks past me next but I don’t get much reaction from Telfer at all. Bit of consistency’s all I ask for, know? Man, humans are weird.

We get to Kelvingrove Park. Man a-live. What a place. I don’t think I’ve ever peed against so many park benches in my life. I do my “aw-look-at-me-and-my-big-brown-eyes-I-am-so-good-why-don’t-you-let-me off-I-will-be-good” look at Telfer. He looks back at me askance but then proceeds to tentatively remove my collar.

Two minutes later

Back on lead. Aw come on. Just because I stole a bit of twix from a nearby child, knocked him over then proceeded to try and commence some sexy-time with his dog I get put back on?! Some people.

Totally worth it though.


Tuesday AM

Back to the park for my morning walk. A bit wet but what can you do. Oops, soory about that Telfer, nature calls eh? Yeah, I know, it doesn’t matter how many layers of plastic bag you use, you never feel totally clean until you’ve had a chance to wash your hands a few times. God, it’s a while since I was walked this much, the old bones are beginning to ache a bit. Really should start getting back into shape, maybe sign up for a Pilates class or something.

Back to the flat to catch up on some much needed rest in preparation for…


Tuesday PM

Party night. As I’m getting brushed down in preparation Telfer tells me that there are a couple of girls coming who are scared of dogs and that I’ve not to embarrass him by being a pest because there at least one of them is hott.

It’s my time to shine. You see, what Telfer needs to realise is that I’m a bit of a rebel who just don’t always play by the rules, but by god I do get results.

People come in and start eating. I work the table for titbits and get a solid supplementary meal despite Telfer’s best efforts. My body is a temple man! A temple to crisps and leftovers maybe, but a temple nonetheless. After dinner, I put my game plan into action. I left them be over dinner and until they’d had a few drinks before I make my move (a technique used successfully by males since the beginning of time. High 5?). I work my way up to the scared girls. Safe distance now, gentle, gentle. Work them with the eyes a bit, yeah that’s the way. Who’s-a-good-boy-den? They’re coming round. Move forward a bit and lay head on one of their laps, careful to get a bit of drool on her skirt that she won’t notice until later.

Five minute later

I’m lying on my back on the couch with the two scared of dogs girls either side of me both rubbing my belly. I came. I saw. I conquered. It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to train humans. Bet if I asked for a bit of that shortbread she’d get it for me. Oh, why not, everyone’s got to let their hair down at some point. Man that tastes good.


Wednesday AM

On the drive home I take a few moments to reflect on the past couple of days. It’s been some holiday. I’ve been to some exotic places, made some crazy new friends (must look them up on facebook when I get back) and had a taste of the high life. Crazy times. But as we pull up the drive and open the door into my own place I do feel good and happy to be back. There are a lot of naps to catch up on after all. I guess it’s all very well to go flying; but you’ve got to make sure you don’t wander too close to the sun.

The End.